| Are you going to any of the October concerts? | |
| Of course! | |
| Maybe... | |
| I am sitting out this round! | |
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4-27-07Crazy for Tokio Hotel, or just plain crazy? It is the opinion of this aspiring Gustav fangirl, that there are two types of Tokio Hotel fans. The ones who have slept with Tom, and the ones who haven't. And it turns out that they're pretty evenly divided, or so Tom would like you to believe. Of course, within those two fangirl categories, there are subcategories. You've got the fans who respect and love Tokio Hotel for the pop fodder producing machines that they are and then you have the fans who are basically out of their freakin' gourds. You know the type. Crazzy Ass Fangirls. And by crazy, I'm talking about the sort of fan who applies obnoxious TH inspired temporary tattoos to every square inch of her face and thinks Bill is going to have all 10,000 of her babies. 
These sorts of fans are easy to spot. They are usually foaming at the mouth and screaming "Schrei" at anyone who gets within ten feet of them. They travel in packs across the plains of Europe and can see in the dark. They feed on weaker fangirls and have even been known to cannibalize their own if any sign of "sanity" is displayed. Like bathing or attempting to contact worried parents.You can find these scavengers digging in trash cans outside Tokio Hotel concerts in search of Bill's used sanitary napkins, Tom's discarded condoms, and Georg's hopes and dreams. They leave Gustav mostly alone. Like I said, they're CRAZY. Sometimes, if they get desperate enough, they'll even try to get to TH through David Jost, band manager extraordinaire. They'll throw some "Bed and Breakfast" squeeing his way and hope for the best. But David Jost is a cunning fox. He doesn't fall for just any crazy fangirl anymore. I have it on good knowledge that he tests all crazy fangirls with two simple words. He only has to say, Bill Kaulitz to weed apart the true "Bed and Breakfast" fans from the false. If the fangirl replies, "Who's Bill Kaulitz? I was born in 1972 and love Pat Benatar," then the fangirl has passed the test and Jost is getting lucky. Try not to picture that for too long in your head, you'll only hate yourself in the morning. But if the fangirl falls to her knees, schreis, and rips open her shirt to reveal a flailing chest of Tokio Hotel tattoos, he knows that he's encountered a true Crazy Ass Fangirl. Depending on how desperate they both are, Jost might still get lucky. The point of this column is, know what sort of fangirl you are. 
I, for one, am a very sane fangirl. I haven't slept with Tom and the last time I even came near a temporary tattoo was in fifth grade, and it featured a My Little Pony. Wind Whistler to be exact.Yes, I write a weekly column on TH and would give up a 1/4th of my soul to hear Gustav utter just a syllable of my name, but I am not crazy. Well, I may be crazy, but I am not a crazy FANGIRL. Don't know what sort you are? Take this quick quiz below. Are YOU a CAF? 1) You're at a Tokio Hotel concert, what are you wearing? a- Clothes. You know, things with sleeves and zippers. b- Nothing but my hopes and dreams of third basing it with Tom. 2) Have you ever come in contact with Tom's trouser snake? a- Ugh, no. b- I grabbed it through his jeans when security was dragging me off the stage, oh, and then there was that time I waited outside his hotel room for five days and he finally let me in because my sobbing was giving him a headache. 3) How many temporary tattoos have you applied to your face in the past year? a- 0 or less b- 237 4) Bill Kaulitz is... a- the lead singer of Tokio Hotel and an upstanding citizen. b- Impregnated with my fangirl juices. 5) If I could meet Gustav I would... a- Ask him for peace on earth and a second date. b- Who?! Now count how many A's and B's you have circled. If you answered with mostly A's... Congratulations! You're not a Crazy Ass Fangirl. You might not even be a fangirl at all. You might have a life and a family. If you answered with mostly B's... Please scrape that layer of desperation from your face, you're a Crazy Ass Fangirl. I recommend a bath and a reality check. Tom's never going to want you if all of the good parts are covered in temporary tattoos. Unless he's blind drunk. So either change your ways or buy some light beer. I hear it only takes three, and he's anybody's. Send in a comment and it might just make next week's column!
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