| Are you going to any of the October concerts? | |
| Of course! | |
| Maybe... | |
| I am sitting out this round! | |
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4-20-07This week I had planned on writing my entire column on Georg. I was going to. Seriously. I was going to write an epic story on his existence and how his shirt-less actions are destroying the rainforests. But here's the thing. #1: I don't waaaant to. #2: It's not you Georg, it's me, and by me I mean you. #3: I received such a compelling and intriguing response from last week's column that I just had to delve into. But before I am lost to Georg forever, I do have a few things to say. So, let's get it on. Georg: the man, the myth, the hair Georg has the sort of hair that most girls would kill and or pay massive amounts of money for. He has the sort of hair that mocks and cajoles you with its luster. Georg's hair murders everything that moves. If you wanted, you could make a sassy "Fandom" livejournal icon that read: MY FANDOM'S HAIR COULD BEAT UP YOUR FANDOM'S HAIR, and no one would be able to argue with you.  They could call you a n00b or some other sort of internet insult and tell you that you have no life and that it's not 2003 anymore and that is SO OLD MEME and PUT THAT BEHIND A CUT, WOULDN'T YOU?, but they couldn't argue with you. Not even anime fandoms or people who think Draco is God. (Which he's not, Gustav. He's fictional, so don't get your oversized granny panties in a bundle. I still worship at the temple Gustav. LET THE POWER OF GUSTAV COMPEL YOU to wear socks with sandals.) Bill would cream his pants if he woke up tomorrow with Georg's flowing, lustrous man mane. Tom would cut off and ingest each and every one of his locks just for a feel of Georg's sleek and slinky bob. Even Gustav has an interest in Georg's hair. Yes, Gustav, the eighth wonder of the world, the man of every hour and the drunk girl at every party! Georg, if you're listening, buddy, you have my respect. I know the lengths you go through to keep up your coif. The daily split end searches, the sleeping standing up, the hoarding of hair product from Bill (dangerous territory, I know, the kid's nails are like ten shiny daggers), the wigs. Yes, I know about the wigs, Georg. And I'm not judging you. If I had your hair, I'd protect it from the elements/fangirls too! Fangirls are like shifting tectonic plates, always on the prowl, always stirring up trouble and earthquakes. Your hair, Georg, is the earth soil, lush and life giving. Those fangirls would give anything to harvest and sell (on Ebay) every last strand of hair from atop your Henry Mortensen-esqe head. Go ahead, wear the wigs. You may not know this, dear readers, but you've never seen Georg's real hair. Those were all wigs and hair accessories by Jessica Simpson. If you looked straight into the follicle of Georg's real hair, you'd go blind or turn into a pillar of salt. Let them live their lives in ignorance, Georg. Let them go on believing your hair is just filamentous outgrowth of dead skin cells and not the spun gold I know it to be. Call me Rumpelstiltskin, but Georg is looking better and better to me each day. Spin your wheel of love, Georg, spin it true. VIEWER MAIL Anyway, moving onto more important topics, here is one piece of viewer mail that I received last week: Name: Ann Counry: USA Comment: Bill: The lost Elfin prince? Because, honestly, look at those ears sometime. Not to mention the eyes and other convincing words! Now... at first I was skeptical of this comment. I mean, we all know Bill and Tom have jacked up ears, but I always assumed it was God's way of letting us know that they weren't the second coming (or Gustav) by giving them a flaw. But then I started really looking at Bill's ears. I would have tried to look at Tom's ears, too, but that sweatband/hat combination made it pretty much impossible. Anyway, what I found was shocking.  I dug deep into my research materials (google image search) and found myself gaping at what I came up with. Maybe Bill isn't a robot after all.Maybe he is an Elfin prince! I compared his ears with those of certified Elfin Prince Legolas Greenleaf, and they were a true match. I was baffled. How could a German made robot be an Elfin Prince? I had to do more research, and fast. So I scoured the intraweb for facts. I found myself at WIKIPEDIA (which is always a reliable source, just ask your professors) and the plot became even plottier! 
An elf is a mythical creature of Germanic mythology and Germanic paganism which still survives in northern European folklore. I don't know about you, but Wikipedia gives me a real girl bone. All of those questionable facts and citations... mmm. MOVING ON. While I was entirely convinced that Bill was an Elf, something still didn't feel right. I mean, male elfs are normally pretty ambiguous looking in general, but despite these physical traits they are in the end, pretty bad ass and masculine. Have you ever seen Bill take down an Oliphaunt with just one arrow? Has Bill ever slid down a flight of stairs on a shield, shooting orcs and trolls in every direction? No, no he hasn't. Bill may be able to walk on snow, and his cheekbones might be able to cut glass, but he isn't an unstoppable killing machine. That would be Gustav on a bad day. I was beginning to think that maybe Bill was a robot after all. But then I thought of something I hadn't thought of before. Maybe Bill wasn't an Elfin Prince. Maybe he was an Elfin Princess. Have we ever really gotten any solid proof that Bill is, in fact, in possession of an XY chromosome? No, we haven't. His Adam’s apple could be the desperate work of a makeup artist on the edge. I did more research (opened up PSP) and found myself convinced. Bill is an Elfin Princess.  To be specific, Arwen.
Over and out! Arianne Send in a comment and it might just make next week's column!
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