| Are you going to any of the October concerts? | |
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| I am sitting out this round! | |
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4-13-07This week I've decided to bite the bullet and write about everyone's favorite manboy, Bill Kaulitz. What a star that Bill Kaulitz kid is. What a living legend. Bill Kaulitz: A Weighty Issue Bill Kaulitz: Man or Machine? Bill Kaulitz  > Most Baby Animals
Bill Kaulitz: A Weighty Issue The circumference of Bill Kaulitz's waist is equal to that of my upper left thigh. Picture my thigh, if you will, as a small discontent toddler. That is approximately the size and attitude of Bill Kaulitz's waist. He is one lean bean, and he knows it. It's obvious that he does.  The boy flaunts his shit all over Europe with his little tshirts, low rise jeans, and obscene midsection tattoos. He knows he's skinny and he makes no excuses. And why should he?He's his own man. He's got a whole 110 pounds of talent and lean body fat on him. Bill Kaulitz is the American dream. Skinny, tattooed, and getting by with minimal to no English. If I were Bill Kaulitz, and maybe I am, I'd use my skinny to feed Gustav's star power. But that's my own personal agenda. I'd set you up for life, Gustav. Call me when you're off the phone with important heads of state. Gustav's watched presidents die. My point is, Bill Kaulitz isn't too skinny. He's just skinny enough to make girls want to be him and boys want to be with him. And that's all that really matters David Jost, isn't it? Bill Kaulitz: Man or Machine? You're all thinking it, I'm just saying it. Bill Kaulitz is too pretty to be real. He is therefore, obviously some sort of android developed and subsequently marketed by David Jost, mad scientist and lover of the arts. At first Mr. Jost thought of the "project" as a personal one. He was trying to create the son that he could never have. He'd worn far too much leather in the early nineties and as a result his sperm had swam upstream to some unknown bodily region never to return again. Thus, he developed his robot son. Of course there were a few snags on the way. Bill Kaulitz, perfection in android flesh, couldn't be spawned on the first try. No, my friends, that would be far too easy. And as we all know, being easy may get you Tom, but Bill is a harder fish to fry. Jost's first attempt produced Gustav. And while some of us would have been more than happy creating the answer to all of the world's problems, Jost was not. So he picked up his scalpel and his wiring and his delusions, and tried again. The second attempt created Georg. He was getting there, but he still had a ways to go. I mean, I personally wouldn't settle for Georg. He's a great guy and all, and he has the sort of hair dreams are made of, but I doubt he'd ever don a belly shirt or carefully and lovingly apply French tips to his nails for all of the world to see. Anyway, Jost did not lose what little husk of a heart he had left. He was going to make the perfect robotic son even if it killed him or his lucrative and somewhat shameful German pop career. And then, like an aptly worded simile, he was inspired! He ripped half of the wiry robot flesh off his current model and added a dash of doe eyed naiveté and a certain taste for Coca Cola. Looking back, once the third android was created, he regretted adding the Jay Z CD to the bot's internal hard drive. He'd created Tom. 
He felt so close to what he wanted. Tom was almost perfect, but you know, that hat. It's not removable.For the first time in his life Jost found himself at a standstill. He looked over his teenaged trio and wasn't satisfied. Not one of his creations were worthy to carry the Jost name. And then inspiration struck him right in the money maker. He laughed maniacally and went to work on his final bot. 37 hours, two gallons of glitter, five My Little Ponies, and a case of Red Bull later, he emerged from his lab, robot in tow. He had done what they had all said was impossible. He had made BILL. Bill was PERFECT. Bill was MAGNIFICENT. Bill was SEXY. Which was the worst possible outcome ever, really, for someone trying to create a son to love. He wanted to love Bill, alright, but in all of the wrong, twisted ways. Jost wasn't even GAY. Bill was just that freaking spectacular to look at. He had the sort of face that was equivalent to a unicorn's laugh. Even Gustav shook in his shadow. The ending to this story is, to stop himself from committing robotic incest, David Jost threw his dreams aside of ever having a family, and developed the super android group Tokio Hotel. Because in the end, what's the use of having a sexy robotic son if you can't at least verbally molest it in the tour bus? Bill Kaulitz > Most Baby Animals It is the opinion of this Midwestern small town girl, that Bill is greater, mathematically, than most baby animals. Check out the startling results!  Bill wins this contest by a landslide.  There's no competition.  Can he be stopped?!  Finally, a worthy opponent. Send in a comment and it might just make next week's column!
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