Happy Holidays! Continuing the festivities here, we have a special surprise for you! It’s not wrapped, but I think you’ll enjoy it none-the-less. Our intrepid woman on the go, Darcy, has returned for the holiday season! She brought us each trinkets from across the globe. Miniature spoons from France, a robot from Japan, and even one of the notorious shrunken heads of darkest Massachusetts. While here, she and I have decided to write this Learn German together. By telling you a little about the German Christmas/Santa. Festive! So, settle in, sip at your cocoa, and open up those holly jolly brains to the knowledge we’re about to drop down your cranial chimney. 
12/22/07 
The origin of the German Santa is muddled and uncertain. However, the German elf of this holiday season is no jolly man in red. No no friends, we’ve stared into the cold unblinking eyes of myth, and barely survived to tell the tale.
The Rammstein, German for "Holiday Goat Man", is a hulking beast clad in black leather and armed with an flame thrower. (See image) Instead of the American Santa and his sleigh with eight colorfully named reindeer, The Rammstein travels in a rusted out black car, powered by the souls of The Naughty. How he drives a car with cloven feet, we didn’t dare ask. Perhaps modified pedals, perhaps a series of pulleys. The Flamme Werfer, or Flamethrower, carried by The Rammstein is used to punish The Naughty, and is also the inspiration for the tradition of Freudenfeuer. Freudenfeuer is German for “Bonfire”, and works as such: People attempt to jump over a large bonfire built in their city centers on the 20th of December, to protect themselves not only against illness in the coming year, but against The Rammstein himself. While on the topic of traditions, we should probably mention the small but equally important tradition of Schuh Fest. In English, this means “Shoe Party”, and is the ritual of the German people leaving a pair of their shoes outside of the front door to their home each night of the holiday. This custom persists in spite of the abuse The Rammstein subjects the footwear to. When we inquired into how it is still something participated in, we learned that it’s considered better for them to leave the shoes out to be befouled than face the consequence of defiance. (See Flamme Werfer) The holiday season itself runs from the 20th of December through New Year’s Eve. That’s right, gentle readers. Eleven days of horror and intimidation culminating in a night of tense, oppressive waiting, fear and pain that permeates throughout the country in a near-palpable wave. Only when the church bells (referred to as the “Freiheit Glocken”) ring out the new year on January 1st do the inhabitants know they are truly safe for another year. Now, a little more on what happens during these eleven "festive" nights. Beginning things on the 20th is, of course, Freudenfeuer. The following day, this effigy of flames is extinguished, and the ashes are used to mark the window panes of each home as further hopeful protection against The Rammstein. On the night of the 24th, it is custom to read aloud to children the story of The Rammstein, or at least the myth that his evil PR Representative has released to the general public. They hear the tales of The Rammstein’s defeat of Gods, one of whom was skinned to create his signature attire. They are told how his flamethrower is actually the fires of Hell itself, captured by the mighty Rammstein in his visit to the fiery pit to retrieve the vehicle Lucifer lost to him in a game of chance and then tried to keep from handing over. (Although the legend goes that he and Beelzebub are now merely friendly rivals.) That night, after the children and adults are safely nestled away in their panic rooms, The Rammstein appears. The engine of his mighty vehicle rumbling out his passage. You may wonder, does he deliver gifts to the nice people of Germany? Perhaps, if you consider allowing them to live another year a gift. Those he deems naughty, however, are spirited away from their homes under cover of darkness, never to be seen again. And now, though we may face grave consequences for revealing as much, we have the writer’s moral obligation to reveal the truth to you all now. With any luck, we can free the German people from this yearly tyranny. We’ve learned that in actuality, The Rammstein’s clothes are made by his Mutter, who even sews a little tag with his name on it into the back of each piece. Aww. His flamethrower really does work, although the money he put into it is the reason for his junker of a car, which actually runs on plain old gasoline (when it runs, that is). The flamethrower, rather than being used to torment The Naughty, is actually merely a part of his L.A.R.P. character, a mid-level fire mage by the name of Lord Darkfire. And yes, he does treat those shoes horribly, but that’s more because he’s a spiteful creep than anything else. You see, he was born deformed. Yes, the cloven feet are real fact, and could be the inspiration for his life of yearly footwear vandalism and general ne’er do well-ness. 
Oh, and obviously he’s never really met the devil, nor beaten him in a game of chance.
We aren’t sure how The Rammstein (real name Herman Geissman)grew to attain such power and control over this country, nor why they continue to abide by his cruel, weird treatment, but hey, everyone needs a tradition, right? Ah, we almost forgot! You may wonder, if this Herman fellow isn’t really some supernatural fiend, how the Naughty keep disappearing. Well, any number of explanations are possible. Perhaps these are just the usual teenage runaways, perhaps young lovers eloping, or whole families fleeing in the night to a saner country. Who knows what truths lay behind that particular dark aspect of The Rammstein. So, there you have it folks. It may seem odd to those of us living in other countries, with other traditions. But try not to judge. I'm sure in Germany, our customs seem equally incomprehensible! Take care, have a happy holiday, enjoy your New Year festivities, and we'll see you next update! 
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